How do we know we’ve made it?

October 12th, 2020
This article stopped me from ranting on Twitter to my minimal followers.
BTW, follow me there: @fraeji



And no, I don't mean this in a way of looking out over a private yacht, the wind blowing in your hair. Unless that's your idea of making it, then by all means, congratulations.

I wonder what it means to have made it in yourself, and consider the different aspects that people use as a measure of success.

I guess one way of looking at this potentially wishy-washy question is to consider an equation of two elements: what makes you happy, and creating a means to succeed through that activity. With this equation, being obsessed with, say, birdwatching, and being able to utilise this passion through the means of working as, I don't know, a birdwatching instructor - would that mean you've made it?

There's that quote, or at least I think it's a quote, or saying, of 'do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life'. And I think that probably sums up my previous equation; that if you do something you enjoy and manage to monetize or utilise that love to the extent that you can live off it, that seems like a pretty solid explanation of what success is to me.

But what about other aspects of life? All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, after all. You can have the best job in the world and love every second of it, but your life would be pretty lonely without meaningful friendships, life experience or a nice house, for instance. Do those things measure as an metric of success?

I listened to a Craig Mod podcast recently about measuring success, where he discusses elements of his life that keep him on track and ultimately make him happy. One thing that struck me was how much he emphasized the importance of a varied, rich in different experiences friend group. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for my closest friends when he described spending a week away with friends from a writing fellowship, noting that he could spend a week with these people and feels totally at ease with himself.

These friendships aren't easy to come across and often come to you unexpectedly, like he experienced. I notice more and more as I get older that my ride-or-die friends come from a variety of different backgrounds, jobs and interests, and our friendships greatly outlive those with friends who tend to gather as a homogenous group. You learn so much more about yourself and the world around you when you have people in your orbit that hold different opinions, interests and views than each other. I think that's one of the hardest but most important transitions to go through, when you look at friendships from the outside and make the decision to take a step back or just realizing that you don't hold the same interests anymore.

What about writing? I used to think the time I'd be really happy is when I could write whatever I want and people would love it regardless. I think of my favourite journalists and essayists who regularly churn out amazing, thought-provoking content, to which I gobble up, regardless of the subject. The ability to have captivated an audience from the start and know that whatever you write, people will be captivated - I think that's a pretty good measure of making it. A perfect example of the success equation. And that's not just restricted to writing - any artistic medium of which you enjoy that gets praise and respect from others must equate a feeling that can only be described as triumph.

But if you have the perfect friends, the perfect job and passions, do you learn more if everything just goes in the right direction? Could this be described as stagnant perfection? Probably. But what does it teach you?

Sometimes, a piece you write will trigger an emotion or feeling in somebody that isn't always rosy, and lead them to turn away. You'll be confident that your audience will respond in a favourable way, showering you with praise that leads to that warm feeling of validation in your tummy. Then, to your horror, the piece tanks, gaining little to no traction and leaving you feeling like a failure. You feel the need to reassess, to look at your work and realise, hey! I better switch this up a bit. Maybe this piece wasn't as well-thought out as I initially thought. Time for a refresher. You wouldn't get that through stagnant perfection, constantly happy in your echo chamber of idealogical success.

Not every friendship will last forever; what starts out as as fruitful connection might fizzle out into nothing. I often miss the times where I had undying love for a friend and felt the security and care that was offered to us at the time, and it sucks to think that it couldn't grow into more. I mourn friendships that had naturally ran their course, but knew that nine times out of ten, these 'breakups' happen for a good reason. Neither of you are getting much out of the friendship anymore, but you thank each other for the lessons learned, the good and the bad times. It's all a part of the cycle, and ultimately, making it. Bad friendships teach you to look for values in others that you didn't necessarily think you needed at first; the best friendships will teach you how to be a better person and give out what you wish to receive.

And then, you lose your job. Something like Covid-19 happens again and you realise that your industry isn't as safe as you would have liked to think. Your security and sense of wellbeing is temporarily shattered, forcing you to improvise and look for something new. It's a gut-wrenching feeling, but with your drive to learn, a circle of varied and caring friendships to keep you on your toes, and confidence that comes from it will help you to make it work and persevere. Your trust and confidence within yourself will push you through, all stemming from lessons you've learned along the way.

My opinion on success and achievement as metrics is that you've never really 'made it', nor will you ever. Instead of seeing the most valuable friendships, rewarding and enjoyable means of work and the ability for your creativity to be loved universally as metrics of success, I see these elements as cycles. Cycles that keep you on your path, that keep you motivated and ultimately teach you as you go along. And, as is the case with the aspect of a 'cycle', these elements collapse and restart again and again. I see it as Kali, the goddess of destruction, who breaks things down in order to rebuild and restore. Stagnant perfection needs to have a fresh flow of inspiration and change, or it'll start to stink. We are constantly 'making it'.

It's the same story of the millionaire saying, "when I make a billion dollars, I'll be happy". He knows, deep down, that yes, he'll be happy - but he won't stop there. What about two billion dollars? The inner drive to do more, paired with difficulties along his path and the cycle of lessons he learns, is much more rewarding that the finishing line in sight. We just have to keep moving, keep learning and keep refreshing.