Self-help special: Why can’t I write anything?
14th September 2020This article stopped me from ranting on Twitter.
BTW, follow me there: @fraeji
Occasionally, when I'm spring cleaning my Notion or digging though my hard drive for something I should have labeled properly, I come across drafts of articles I started, realised for whatever reason that the topic was of no interest to me anymore, and subsequently abandoned. Usually when I stumble across these I experience some sort of full-body shudder, cringing at my previous eagerness and optimism that I now, as a more experienced human being with, thankfully, none of that premeditated naivété would never write about something so cringey, so stupid or plainly uninteresting. I feel awful, looking back over my failed drafts, that I could have been so uninspired or boring, that I actually wanted to publish that - ha! I shove the drafts into an unnamed folder and move on with my day, relishing my newfound maturity and know-better.
What gets to me when I think about this is that I could have been writing about something that I found fascinating and engaging at the time. Reading an article about empathy last month sparked an interest in the neurological actions behind the emotion and I went down a rabbit hole of articles and discussions, leading me to draft the first paragraphs of what I thought would be a gripping and well-written article. I got about halfway through the writing part and realised that, though the subject matter enticed me, I couldn't add a formidable or solid opinion to the subject matter. I just wanted to write about how cool I though the subject was, a show-not-tell ramble about a subject that I found so fascinating at that moment. I gave up, shelving the draft for another day where I'd stumble across it and feel that familiar feeling of imposter syndrome once again. This process only happened about a month ago, and now I look back with the gaze and opinion of somebody who knows better, who knows that she wouldn't write about that. Why? Do we as humans just lose interest in things far too quickly?
My writer's block has been in full effect since about May, when I wrote this article. I remember getting so enthralled and excited about the subject matter that I sat and wrote the article in about an hour, typing away furiously in my confidence and vigour. The feeling once finished; a kind of after-workout satisfaction that you have produced something worthwhile. You go about your day afterwards feeling like you've earned some artistic merit, even if the article itself is less than stellar. Writing is a process, as you know, and you've put pen to paper and created SOMETHING.
I often found myself in the last weeks going about my day, reading something that caught my interest and making a mental note to sit down and write about it, to research at least. I'd hype myself up, strategising in my head and feeling overall optimistic until I'd go to get my laptop, when I would have this sudden feeling of disinterest - the idea would extinguish immediately. I'd feel let-down with myself and disappointed that something I cared so much about, that I couldn't stop thinking about for hours, was suddenly so far from my realm of interest. It gave me the impression that what I once counted as significantly engrossing wasn't actually as cool or zany as it I initially thought. Rinse and repeat; when you do this often enough you begin to feel as if you might not be as creative or intellectual as you think. I think it's probably one of the shittiest feelings you can feel as a creative.
I also don't think it has anything to do with lockdown and feeling that general pandemic/the world is ending/dismal job prospect anxiety. If anything, all this time off should have spurred some insane creative drive in me.
lol
I think many creatives, be it a writer or a designer or a musician, often have this kind of imposter syndrome. You know you have the capabilities and the drive, but the execution is poor or maybe just not as good as you thought. You have to break things down and start again to perfect your craft, and unfortunately this crippling feeling of self-doubt is just a part of life. After all, you didn't think you'd be making money with this job, did you?
So my question is - why the f*ck can't I write anything?
Am I reading the wrong things? Is being a writer just really hard? Does writer's block come as part and parcel of the job - five months of it, to be exact - and is it something I just have to suck up?
Genuinely though, I just wanna talk about this. Message me, read my articles. Anything to stop me from spinning in my chair at my desk and spinning my wheels like some uninspired, exhausted hamster.